Couples counselling.

Hi, welcome to my space. Let’s pour a hot cup of tea and sit down for a moment.

Asking for help is not easy, which makes counselling itself hard. Couples counselling is in some respects even harder. And yet, it can be incredibly healing. I am here to help you weave your individual stories together to re-discover the couple story, the one that tends to be buried under the day-to-day life that is sometimes very messy. Sometimes it happens the other way around, the couple story overpowers the individual stories of the partners.

Couples therapy with me at Ivy Life & Wellness takes the form of an intensive session that is approximately 4 hrs long. It is a different model than the traditional 50-min session that is generally used for therapy in general and couples counselling as well. I will describe the reasons for this intensive model for couples work that I use and also I think it is important to discuss some general points about couples counselling. I hope this information will help you in your counselling journey.

Contraindications for couples therapy:

  • Active addictions

  • Active self harming/suicide ideation

  • Active and intense grief process (unless it is a focus of couples therapy)

  • Ongoing abuse (physical/emotional/verbal/sexual/financial)

  • When one partner is not willing to work on the relationship or feels forced to go to couples therapy

  • Existing personality disorders (unless it is the focus of couples therapy)

Helpful hints for successful couples counselling:

  • Approach it with an open mind.

  • Both/all partners need to connect with the therapist. If it’s not a good match, it’s time to move and try with another therapist. This is because if you are not connecting with the therapist you can feel undermined, isolated, and ganged-up on real fast. If this is happening, it works against the therapy process and therapy will not work.

  • If you are not connecting with the therapist, give yourself permission to say so and look for another therapist. At the same time, if your partner/s are not connecting with the therapist, be accepting of that and move on with the process to choose another therapist.

  • If you feel that the therapist is not hearing you or is overly focusing on you and your problems, or maybe you feel like your partner/s are repeatedly taking over the session, give yourself permission to call it and discuss with the therapist. Oftentimes things can be adjusted as therapy moves along, but only if the therapist is made aware of what is going on.

  • Be accepting - of yourself and your processes and emotions, as well as your partner/s and their processes and emotions.

  • Understand that the role of the therapist is to guide you and your partner/s in healing your relationship, it is not to prevent a break-up or divorce.

  • Be willing and devoted to putting in the work and the effort and energy into changing the relationship and making it better. If you already have decided to leave, couples therapy will generally not work.

  • Related to the previous point, the therapy room is not the place to announce to your partner/s that you are divorcing/leaving the relationship.

Common topics that couples often wish to address in couples therapy:

  • Communication breakdown

  • Connection breakdown (emotional and sexual)

  • Infidelity

  • Addictions

  • Trauma

  • Parenting

  • A change in dynamic (change in work/family/sexual or gender identity)

About my approach:

I see romantic relationships (be they comprised of two partners or multiple in a steady and lasting format) as the interweaving of individual stories to create the tapestry of “Us”, of the couple (again, a “couple” can be comprised of the traditional two partners or multiple partners at once). The individual threads are shifted and adjusted and placed in different combinations that create a beautiful masterpiece that is the couple or the family.

From this perspective, I approach the couple from a wholistic view that permeates all the work I do in counselling. The threads are also symbolic of the inner workings of the psyche for each individual. We follow the threads, we do not yank on them and force them into submission. We provide a safe environment for them to tell their stories. In a similar way, I provide a safe environment for each partner that makes up the couple to tell their story and work on their wounds and together to work on the couple wounds.

A few more words on the intensive session process:

  • First of all, let me assure you, we will be taking breaks! :D You will not be sitting in a fully engaged and activated trauma space for 4 hrs. We will be taking breaks and we will be processing and integrating, so that when you leave the therapy room you are reasonably calm and you are not leaving activated.

  • There will be a comprehensive questionnaire and a 30 min consultation on video to determine fit - for you and your partner/s with me and also you and your partner/s with the intensive session model

  • The model is meant for healing and reconnecting in the relationship

  • I do a lot of trauma work and depth therapy, so we will learn and practice new skills before addressing super sensitive wounds and we will be doing deep work to address your relationship

  • We will incorporate dream work, astrology, cards and runes, and creative expression as appropriate

Please remember that this particular approach is not a good fit for everyone, and that is ok. Matching the approach to your particular healing journey is very important. Please read on for general considerations of couples therapy: